For the last few weeks, I have been in discussions with someone who is arguably the funniest man in Irish dance, author of the blog Zebadiah and Beauregard’s Front Porch, about being a guest contributor on my blog. Though I didn’t have to beg him to be a guest contributor, I truly would have! If you haven’t read his blog, please don’t waste another minute! He will have you in stitches! He has been more than generous in offering to allow me to post some of his previous work, and he has even agreed to offer my readers some original content as well. Stay tuned for that, because from what he’s told me so far, he has some great ideas! In the meantime, I would like to offer my most sincere thanks to ZandB! Without further ado, I give you…

The Ten Commandments of Feis – Reposted with permission

On the morning of the second day the people of the Feis did arise to the dulcet murmuring of joy and jubilation as they made ready for the Feis which was even nigh upon them.

And the dancers did adorn themselves with all manner of silks, dyed garments, and costume apparel of uncertain fashion encrusted all with tinsel, jewels, glitter, and every type of shiny bauble.

And they did tie back their hair which was their own from birth and festooned instead on their heads ponderous wigs having an appearance not unlike racoons on which they placed silver diadems and crowns.

The bolder ones among them slathered pastes and creams of questionable tone on their bodies for they were ashamed of their natural colour which was unsightly unto them.

And the mothers adorned their children’s eyes, lips, mouths and faces with all manner of dyes and hues of every tawdry blush and shade.

And the spirit of An Coimisiún le Rincí Gaelacha (the unpronounceable one) descended from the mountain among the tumult and chaos and saw all of this before him and cast his eyes away roaring:

“Thou hast taken my Feis and made it a hideous spectacle and an abomination unto my eyes!”

And as an evil thing, darkness fell about the face of the Feis and the people were sore afraid and did cry out to the unpronounceable one as in one voice, “Forgive us master for we know not what we do.”

And the unpronounceable one did look upon the people with soddened eyes of forgiveness for, even though they had strayed from the spirit of the Feis, they were to him his children and he spoke kindly to them saying,

“I shall give unto you this day the ten commandments of the Feis and you shall give them unto your own children and they theirs and each again unto their kind and the laws of the Feis shall not perish!”

The Ten Commandments of Feis

And the unpronounceable one did speak all these words unto them:

“First and above all, I am the Spirit of the Feis; thou shalt hold no commissions before me.”

“Remember the Feis day and register early.”

“Honour thy Feis Mom for it is she that delivers you unto the Feis and gives you sustenance thereof.”

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s podium placement.”

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s solo dress.”

“Thou shalt not bear false tans even unto your twelfth year, nor wigs, nor facial adornment of any kind for the Spirit of An Coimisiún gazes fondly on the children of the Feis and they shall be unblemished before his eyes.”

“Thou shalt not make graven images of thy dancer whilst in motion.”

“Thou shalt not forsake thy teacher lest thee be banished from the Feis for one hundred and eighty days.”

“Thou shalt not forsake thy bloomer check.”

“These are my commandments that all who dwell within the spirit of the Feis shall abide.”

And the people did look upon their fingers, five in each hand, counting them as he spoke and did look upon each other with worry and concern for each had one finger that was silent.

And the Spirit of An Coimisiún did discern the trepidation among them and asked, “What is it that trebles thee?”

And the people of the Feis did speak unto the unpronounceable one saying, “Nine, that’s only nine commandments!”

And with a final roar which shook the very firmament around them, the Spirit of An Coimisiún bellowed:

“Thou shalt not quibble!”

And this was the end of the second day.